In shameless quarter-end fundraising email, Alan Grayson insists he is not ‘a piece of nose slime’

Written by . Posted in 2014 Campaigns, Yep, This Happened


Published on March 27, 2014

We’re getting close to March 31, and that means lots of desperate-sounding, trollish emails from politicians about how they need to raise that last whatever amount to put in their next quarterly FEC report. The emails get more obnoxious with each passing quarter leading up to the election. And when they come from someone who is pretty obnoxious to begin with, you can just imagine how entertaining it can be.

Case in point: Rep. Alan Grayson, D. who earlier this week pitched his donors with a message of self-pity. This one is better if only for the photograph that came in the email — it is presented below.

Just to be clear: Yes, a congressman actually sent this to people, and I bet they even donate money as a result.

from: Rep. Alan Grayson
to: [redacted]

date: Thu, Mar 27, 2014
subject: The Latest Attack: I’m a “Piece of Nose Slime”

CaptureDear Friend:

Do you remember “Joe the Plumber”? If not, you’re better off. But let me remind you – because now “Joe the Plumber” is attacking me. “Joe the Plumber” recently called me a “piece of nose slime.” (Which, as a plumber, he may see a lot of.) “Joe the Plumber” also called me a “dreg of society.” (A “dreg” is the sediment in a liquid. So if anyone knows about dregs, it’s a plumber.) “Joe the Plumber” has now joined Bill O’Reilly, Allen West and Mike Huckabee in their recent attacks on me personally.

If disgusting political attacks like calling a Member of Congress a “piece of nose slime” make you feel ill, then click here, and give us the support we need to fight back.

By the way, “Joe the Plumber” is not named Joe, and he’s not a plumber. If there were a way to belie the word “the,” I’m sure that “Joe the Plumber” would do that, too.

His real name is Samuel Wurzelbacher. In 2008, he claimed that he was a plumber, working for A.W. Newell Corp. in Ohio. But in Ohio, plumbers are licensed, and Joe didn’t have a license. So he’s not a plumber. As Gov. Rick Perry might say, “Oops.”

“Joe the Plumber” made around $40,000 a year not doing his not-plumbing. In his Walter Mitty imagination, though, he somehow was going to buy Newell Corp. Newell has sales of up to $2.5 million a year, according to How could “Joe the Plumber” buy Newell Corp.? The same way that a sparrow devours an elephant, I guess.

Not-yet-President Obama came to “Joe the Plumber’s” town of Toledo, Ohio, in 2008. At an Obama campaign event, “Joe” took that magical mental leap from personal failure to personal success, and told/lied/BS’ed Obama that “Joe” was “getting ready to buy a company that makes $250,000 to $280,000 a year – your new tax plan is going to tax me more, isn’t it?”

“Joe the Plumber” was “getting ready” to buy that company in much the same way as Kim Kardashian is “getting ready” to end the civil war in Syria. It could happen. But I doubt it.

Aren’t you sick of right-wing fakers like “Joe” the “Plumber”? Click here to show your support for the Member of Congress whose bumper sticker reads: “Grayson. Truth.”

Anyway, Candidate Obama gave “Joe the Plumber” a substantive analysis of how “Joe’s” non-purchase of “Joe’s” non-plumbing business would affect “Joe’s” non-income and “Joe’s” non-taxes. Obama then added that Obama’s tax plan was necessary in order to reduce taxes on the middle class, which would add customers to “Joe’s” non-business. As Candidate Obama put it: “My attitude is that if the economy’s good for folks from the bottom up, it’s going to be good for everybody. If you’ve got a plumbing business, you’re going to be better off . . . if you’ve got a whole bunch of customers who can afford to hire you. Right now, everybody’s so pinched that business is bad for everybody. I think that if you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.”

You may recall the shock and horror which the right-wing noise machine manufactured over the concept that “if you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody.” The same shock and horror that the right-wing noise machine manufactured over President Obama’s statement in 2012 that “if you’ve been successful, you didn’t get there on your own.” (Props to Sen. Elizabeth Warren.) History repeats itself – first as tragedy, and second as farce. (To quote someone else who, by coincidence, also wrote about spreading the wealth.)

Back to the first time, in 2008, “Joe the Plumber” jumped, with both feet, into the ensuing distortion-fest. He said that the President’s answer would put us “one step closer to socialism.” He said that the answer showed that our first African-American President could “tap dance . . . almost as good as Sammy Davis, Jr.” He said that he could never support Obama, because of “questions” about “Obama’s loyalty to our country.”

For Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, a star was born. A dim, dopey, dense, doltish and deficient star, but a star nonetheless.

“Joe the Plumber” gave up his non-plumbing career, and became a “motivational speaker.” His talk consists of witty observations like asking why Senator Chris Dodd hasn’t been “strung up” yet. If you’ve ever actually listened to him, you know that his audience surely feels motivated to learn proper grammar.

Here are some of “Joe the Plumber’s” more recent bon mots:

(1) “Joe” says that both the Holocaust and the Armenian Genocide were caused by gun control.

(2) “Joe” says that the way to stem illegal immigration is “going to Mexico, and start shooting.”

(3) “Joe” says that he would not let anyone who is “actually homosexual” near his children.

You might think that no one would listen to a schmo like this, but you would be wrong. In fact, “Joe the Plumber’s” website has drawn over one million visitors in a month. His website is one-stop shopping for anyone looking for folly, inanity, imbecility, dementia and lunacy. Not to mention constructive criticism, like calling me a “piece of nose slime” and a “dreg of society.”

It goes on, but the email just keeps getting more boring after that. Congratulations to the people of the Orlando area.